Monday, February 18, 2002

Well, I was going to write something here, but I don't have any real passionate opinions about what you were saying Steve, so you have left me in the lurch. It's your fault. Obviously. It couldn't possibly be anybody elses. Why can't you be a little more responsible?

Which reminds me of at least one very important topic I DO feel passionate about. Passion. I've finally come around and am learning my passions again. I've recently realised that I've been on a journey with regards to passion. You can read about it if you like...

God gave me passion for a number of different things, which is good. As I grew, somehow I figured out that I was good at the things that I liked to do - or rather, I liked to do the things I was good at. I liked to do the things I was good at because it made me feel important and needed and gave me a sense of worth in my own eyes, and (I secretly thought) in the eyes of God. For a long time I worked on the things I was good at, building my identity around these things and using them as a ruler with which to measure my relationship with God. Then, the things I was good at didn't seem a whole lot of fun anymore. I simply liked being good at something, even though I didn't like what I was doing. And even then, it was difficult for me to believe I was doing well at those things (even though other people said that I was) because I was never really satisfied with what I was doing. It is a good thing God got to me when He did. When He had me lay down all my cleverness and skills and talents and masks and roles and stuff, I cried like a baby because I was suddenly and horribly naked, with nothing, vulnerable, helpless, completely dependent on what God thought, with no control whatsoever. Then for the longest time I didn't like anything. I couldn't get excited about anything. Nothing interested me terribly at all. If I tried, I lost interest very quickly. I found more things I didn't like doing that I did. Even the dreams I had had for 8 years were crumbling into dust, and all I was left with was me and God. Me and God. It finally got through that if there was one thing that I WAS made for, it was relationship with God. So I started with that. It was hard, leaving behind all the rest of those things that made me feel important and useful. From learning to love God, I started to learn to love people. That was new! Loving people. What a concept! I'm actually learning to enjoy it! And now I'm realising that there are other things in the world that I love. Things that I like a lot. And some of them are the same things that I was good at before... except now I want to do them because I like them, rather than because I'm going to be good at them. And that is where passion is. When passions are pursued because you know they are good and are given by God, it builds you up and draws you deeper into God's will, and into God. When passion is used to build you up, and make you feel important, I've learnt that it is a long way to fall. It's like climbing a ladder that's not leaning on anything, and the higher you go, the less fun it is, and the more you have to work to stay there.

Disclaimer: The author babbles.